Twentieth-century America used to have a perfectly charming tradition where once a year, people would tell spooky stories, carve monstrous faces into hollowed-out gourds, dress up in colorful and ghoulish costumes, and the children would go door-to-door as "goblins" to good-naturedly "menace" their neighbors for candy. But in the early 21st century, people were jaded and overworked, and in the throes of the great Paedophile Panic, and decided it was a "kiddie holiday" that was more trouble than it was worth. So the tradition died, and the United States, already something of a drab cultural wasteland, became a little more dull, and a little less charming.
- Hypothetical 22nd-Century Historian
Man, Halloween was kind of a bust. We didn't get A SINGLE TRICK-OR-TREATER. Not one. My niece didn't even make it out here. What kind of bullshit is that?
It's not just because I live out in the country, either. Halloween seems to be on the decline everywhere. Reports from both Jen's town and the nearby trailer parks indicate that there were hardly any kids out in the streets. It fell on a fucking Friday this year, so there's just no excuse for that shit.
On the plus side, my 13-year-old cousin and her friends DID go trick-or-treating this year (good on ya, lasses), AND held a party in the garage. I was invited to sneak over in a monster mask and scare the hell out of them, which I did expertly and with great joy for about 20 minutes, all told. There were shrill screams and cries of "there's something out there" and everything. Quite a success all around. Once the mask came off, and everyone recovered, I left them with a bullshit story about how I'd seen a UFO while I was waiting outside the garage. It was the highlight of my holiday.
But still, I didn't hand out one single piece of candy. That some ol' bullshit.
With the great Halloween tradition on the decline, the Misfits chorus "I remember Halloween" stands to become something of a battle cry for those wishing to preserve one of the precious few colorful and charming cultural events we have in this country. The next runner-up is the 4th of July, and that's just because it has fireworks. Come on, people, we don't have much in the way of local color; let's not neglect the few cool holidays we have.
Celebrate Halloween next year, and don't be half-assed about it.